Coffee Dreams and Puzzle Pieces

There are events in life that leave you wondering what to say. But this time, well, I just don't know what to say.

The last 8 months have been very difficult; so many events colliding to create the perfect storm of failure and hopelessness. In the last few months a ray of hope had started to peek out. A sign of something wonderful was starting to appear. I chased after it. I dreamed a dream. I hoped for a future.

And I just woke up, jarred from good sleep, grasping at the dream - hoping for a piece of it - as it slips through my fingers like mist on humid cool day. It was in reach, I could taste it and see it, and I could envision a future of growth and freedom. But now it has faded away. Nothing is left. It is gone.

What do you do when this happens? You can’t go back to where you were; it doesn’t exist anymore. You can’t live out of the past or you fail to move forward. You can’t just sit there or life will move along and you will wake up one day wondering where the time went. There is no opt-out, not as long as we want to live. Not living is not an option.

I think I’m still numb. I’ve cried a little. I have felt pain, but mostly I am just trying to fill my days and not make any rash decisions. Every once in a while the dream reappears like a whiff of coffee beans freshly ground as you sit and read a book. It is gone as soon as it appears. But for that moment, it is as fresh and full bodied as the first time you conceived of it.

But just as the coffee blends into the air conditioning, the dream fades as failure reasserts itself as reality. And maybe failure is too strong. I had done my best; I wouldn’t go back and change anything. In the end, I wasn't a good fit.

I feel like the puzzle piece that never fits until the very end. It seems to fit in a certain place in the picture – the patterns seem right and the sizing seems right initially but then as you examine it more closely you see that the flowers don’t match and the contours of the pieces aren’t cut from the same place. In the end, you remove the piece and keep seeking the right one. The thing is, right now, I’m the piece that has been set aside. The puzzle is still being worked on, but there is no way to know whether it is almost finished or if it was just getting started. There is a place where the piece will fit, but from this perspective, I have no idea when or where that will be.

And so, I have to wait. I have to remember my purpose and what I was made for, I have to remain available to be moved and put into the picture, but I have to maintain who I am and not let that get lost in the process. Waiting. That’s what it comes down to. Waiting not only to dream a new dream but to live out the dream when it becomes reality. But for now, I’ll just wait.