I think I have lost track of what color the background should be. Maybe that reflects the rest of my life. I seem to have lost track of what I'm supposed to be doing. That might have something to do with the fact that I'm unemployed in this economy, that long sought after goals may have to be interrupted - again, and that there seems to be no direction coming from anywhere on any front.
I try to get excited with people about good things in life but find I am just unable. Maybe the devil has succeeded in stealing my joy or maybe I just threw it off the top of a mountain while in New Mexico. Either way, it is not very present at the moment.
Does that make me less of a believer? That I can't fake joy when everything is falling apart? Life sucks right now. That is a technical and theological term that defines the paradigm of my life right now. I think I currently reside in Job chapter 23, though I need to see if I'm progressing forward or backward through the book right now. Seriously, I have no idea.
And strangely, through all of this, it is not God's existence or care that I doubt; I just wish He would return from vacation in the near future. I know He holds the future, I just wish I could tell He was holding me right now. All the little trite statements we use for comfort fall on my ears like the taste of ashes in my parched mouth.
Yes, I still believe, but please, don't try to make me say more than that. That is where I'm at right now - waiting for Him to move.
