Probably going into Thanksgiving I should be feeling thankful and joyful - ready to experience a great time with family and friends but honestly, I feel muddled.
Now that may have to do with the flu/cold thing that I've been fighting for several weeks and the fact that I had a killer migraine this morning. Or the fact that I don't have a job as the world seems to be plummeting into economic oblivion or the difficulty of keeping moving forward when the to-do list is 17 pages long.
I need to get some cards in the mail even though I know they won't get there in time now. I am really not looking forward to a cross-country trip. I guess it's not necessarily what's on the other end (that is negotiable) - but part of it is the driving. My last trip, last December, was memorable for all the wrong reasons - blizzard on the plains of Texas, blinding snow, guardrail up close and personal, and 80+ car pile-up. That whole experience has left a glaze of "you have no control" over my life that I haven't been able to shake all year. I know, get over it, but it still makes me feel tenuous when hurtling down the highway at high speed.
Spiritually, I am also feeling muddled. Many of the things I thought I understood about my church of birth and growth are being challenged. It's not that I can't handle it, but it is never fun to be in the midst of this kind of change. I have no idea where God is taking me and it's getting a little exhausting to be hanging on for dear life with no picture of where I'm headed.
The other unsettling thing is that the image that keeps coming up is that of the kenosis - the self-emptying Christ - and of Paul - who was content and made due in whatever situation he was in. As ideas, those are fine, but I am finding it much harder to grasp what that kind of faith might look like in this economy, especially in my jobless situation. I am wrestling with what God wants me to hear in this. I think I can say that I will be glad when I know the outcome, whatever it is. I'll let you know.
Well, if I don't write again before Thanksgiving - Have a Happy Thankgiving!
Grace and Peace.
