Entering Advent

We are now entering Advent (or more plainly - we are in Advent). Sometimes entering takes more than the change of a day.

The trip went better than expected though heartache and joy are inextricably weaved together here. The loss of a loved one, the inability to discuss it, the pain of a damaged marriage and a child hanging in the balance. All those things are difficult to deal with and color the ability to enjoy without reservation.

I am thankful for a lack of conflict, for safe travel and for seeing those that are far away. I am thankful that life goes on in the midst of hard times. I'm not trying to be dreary, just trying to keep going and keep focused on the hope that a baby in a manger brings to us all.

The absolute best contemporary expression of this for me is found in RelientK and the song "I Celebrate the Day"

"And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever"

What a vivid picture of the impact of the incarnation on the world. That God coming would change our existence forever. That in the midst of where life goes there is hope for the future and for the kingdom of God to live on earth, among the believers.

When I heard that song last year, I resonated with the first verse:

"And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be"

Last year I felt I was in the same place. I can not say that now. In fact, I probably wished last year that things would change. Be careful what you wish for.

This year I stand in turmoil on so many fronts. The babe in the manger is all that I have. All other things have been stripped away. Material security, purpose and direction, assurance - it's all morphed or moved to the point that it is hard to identify where the path lies and what the future holds.

So, if you can identify, stand with me before the manger. Enjoy the tiny eyelashes and mini digits that surround the finger of the mother. Gaze at the look on Joseph's face as he takes in the picture of his newborn son as tears roll down his cheeks into his beard. Believe in the angel that hangs in the night sky outside. Know that God is near. He is here. He is with us.

Feeling Muddled

Probably going into Thanksgiving I should be feeling thankful and joyful - ready to experience a great time with family and friends but honestly, I feel muddled.

Now that may have to do with the flu/cold thing that I've been fighting for several weeks and the fact that I had a killer migraine this morning. Or the fact that I don't have a job as the world seems to be plummeting into economic oblivion or the difficulty of keeping moving forward when the to-do list is 17 pages long.

I need to get some cards in the mail even though I know they won't get there in time now. I am really not looking forward to a cross-country trip. I guess it's not necessarily what's on the other end (that is negotiable) - but part of it is the driving. My last trip, last December, was memorable for all the wrong reasons - blizzard on the plains of Texas, blinding snow, guardrail up close and personal, and 80+ car pile-up. That whole experience has left a glaze of "you have no control" over my life that I haven't been able to shake all year. I know, get over it, but it still makes me feel tenuous when hurtling down the highway at high speed.

Spiritually, I am also feeling muddled. Many of the things I thought I understood about my church of birth and growth are being challenged. It's not that I can't handle it, but it is never fun to be in the midst of this kind of change. I have no idea where God is taking me and it's getting a little exhausting to be hanging on for dear life with no picture of where I'm headed.

The other unsettling thing is that the image that keeps coming up is that of the kenosis - the self-emptying Christ - and of Paul - who was content and made due in whatever situation he was in. As ideas, those are fine, but I am finding it much harder to grasp what that kind of faith might look like in this economy, especially in my jobless situation. I am wrestling with what God wants me to hear in this. I think I can say that I will be glad when I know the outcome, whatever it is. I'll let you know.

Well, if I don't write again before Thanksgiving - Have a Happy Thankgiving!

Grace and Peace.

Still in the dark

Well, I have been hoping for an epiphany but it hasn't arrived yet. Still mulling over new thoughts, points of view, and one really big paradigm shift. Not that I wasn't already shifting but catching it in the teeth has been a little traumatic.

I'm reading a book on Paul and trying to find a little insight there. The interesting thing at the moment is a discussion about Grace and Peace. This little phrase that Paul uses is exactly not that - a little phrase - but an explicit statement about what he interprets God to be doing in the world; giving grace to those that don't have any and imparting peace on a world that needs to receive it. This statement of salutation, is a statement of what Paul wants to have happen in the hearts of all who hear it.

Grace and peace - more complex than "hey" or "thanks" - communicates the depth of fellowship and connection that he feels for the churches he is writing to. When we say grace and peace to those we love, it isn't just a way to open or close a letter but a way to share the grace of the Spirit and the peace of Christ with those we love and cherish.

So, as we enter into the weekend, preparing for our regularly scheduled time of fellowship - grace and peace.

Grace and Peace.

Entering a new discussion

Being on time is not necessarily something I am good at. And so, it seems to follow that I am late in entering into the emergent church discussion as well.  Honestly, it's not for lack of trying or because I don't want to learn more things, but predominately because I had not been exposed to the full range of what is going. 

That changed recently as I attending my first Emergent discussion.  I do not think I will ever look at things in the same way again.  I am struggling to define what exactly is happening. In some ways I feel like Paul after the Damascus road encounter; I have seen something great - almost beyond comprehension - and right now I am sitting in darkness waiting for the light to return to my eyes.  

While I would want to say that is an exaggeration, I really can't answer that question right now. I have had thoughts in the last few days - about the direction of my life, and the way I am getting there - that I never, ever thought would cross my mind.  

I have been challenged on all sides and feel that some sort of reorientation is coming.  I have been restless in my current faith experience for some time now, and it appears that there is another way to approach the malaise that can fall upon a believer that, while serving actively and faithfully, has always done things the same way. 

The newness is not the deliverance, but opens the eyes to see something that has never been seen before. When they open, I will let you know.  But as for now, I will sit in the dark and wait until they are opened again.

Still Here

Sorry to be away for so long. It's been a busy couple of weeks. However, I found a neat quote I wanted to share with you.

This quote relates to the discussion about Wesleyan theology and the use of the word perfection. Perfection does not mean perfection in action. Nor does Wesley ever say that it does. However, we wouldn't have much space for theological debate with out confusing terms like "perfection." So here is one definition of perfection that helps us understand what Wesley really meant.

"Perfection, according to Wesley, means perfection of posture -- the posture of the heart toward God. The primary matter is not the actual performance but the disposition (intention), not the result which is produced, but the genuine resolution to effect it."

--Mitsuru Samuel Fujimoto
John Wesley's Doctrine of Good Works
Doctoral Dissertation, Drew University, 1986, p.105

A Poem

Pervasive, unexpected, hidden
Out of no where, we were all bitten
The impact, with tentacles reaching
Why did you decide to begin cheating?

You were faithful, true, and dependable
Now we’re left in a place untenable
To punish or give grace
Is there much choice when evil stares you in the face?

Hurt, broken, numb
Do you feel those with what you have done?
Forgiveness is the only antidote
But, my heart may be forever broke.

Truth, pain, reality
The scourge of all humanity
Who, what, why, when, where, how
Maybe none of it matters now

Love, joy, grace
These put evil in its place
The underserved, the unexpected
Accepted, no more rejected.

A Life Without Time

It's absurd really to say that I have no time. Time is how we keep going, it's how we change days, it's how we look back to see that we've grown, changed, or stayed the same. Time is just flying by.

I never really believed that life got faster the older you got. Now I can't deny it at all. I can't seem to catch up, much less let my soul catch up. Where does time go. This is one year after the Virginia Tech shootings. Wasn't that just a few months ago? Five years in Iraq and Afghanistan. Has it really been that long September 11? Six months since the car accident. And he's still in therapy. Seven months since turning down a dream job. But I still know I made the right decision, eh.

For the second year in a row I resolved to write my grandparents - once a month. O wait, it's April and I haven't done it yet. What does that say about my personal resolve? 10 years, almost 11 years since I've seen some of them. Is that possible?

I know none of this really matters to anyone else. I just feel so frustrated about life and how hard it seems. I can't get a grip. Even with my faith an integrated part of my life, I can't see to catch up. I'm teaching a class about balancing life while mine seems to get more and more out of balance. How does that work?

And then I look at my brother who is really in the middle of a life that hasn't been going so well. And he answers the question of, "What do you want for your birthday?" with, "child like faith and peace in all hearts of mankind." Trust me, that's a huge statement from a guy who's going through a rough patch. And no, he's not kidding.

Someday, I hope to figure out how to make it all make sense. Maybe I just need to follow my brother's other piece of wisdom: "God is the creator of good. Praise his name!"

Peace of Christ be with you.